I can't change the past, but I'll do it right next time.

A steady job, a warm bed at night, three meals a day, some friends to spend time with.  A sane person would be content.  A sane person would be counting her blessings.

I've got my eyes on the sky, across the ocean, in your room, and back to the place where I first met you.  Focused forwards and backward--while in the present, I am living a haphazard, exhausted existence.  My body suffers.  Beyond basic physical needs, I lack so much.

I want answers.  I want to know why you went away.  I want to know why things must be denied of me.  I want to know when I'm going to be able to feel like myself again.  When again will I create something that serves as some sort of release?

I know that I can't demand these things.  I have to quietly contemplate the questions... and just wait to live out the answers.

Letting it all pass me by.  Roll off my back.  Slip through my fingers.  Trying not to let the end of the school year be the end of my creative flow.  Trying not to let loneliness rear its head into my daily outlook.

Creations are product of emotions, yes?
Well what if these emotions are something you wish to suppress or change?
I do not wish to feel sadness.
I do not wish to care about people that are unreachable-- physically, emotionally, and creatively.
I do not wish to be an island.

You are what you are and feel what you feel-- you should embrace it and ride it out.  

But it's always easier to ask the questions than to live out the answers.





my hands, they hold the world.

I've got a dull heartache that never seems to want to fade. It's loneliness. It's the changing of the seasons-- I don't know. I go to sleep to kill it, and when I wake up, it is the first thing I feel. It's got something to do with this room though, and how I am always in it alone. My only relief from this room, these walls, this floor, this bed: my hands.
I get them dirty.
They move cigarettes and wine to and from my mouth.
They touch the ground.
They construct clouds.
They sweat and rub and create.

I wish I had someone here to stir up some emotion in me.  To inspire me.  To push my buttons.

But it seems I'm going to have to be that force soley for myself.
The farther I push into others, the farther back I am forced to step.
Disappointed.



Waiting.
For.
Something.
To.
Happen.
To.
Me.

i am tired.
i am cranky.

though productivity has increased.
satisfaction-- not guaranteed.

i miss free-form.  

...though design fuels me.

it's give and take, here and there.
at least my brain is being stimulated.
at least i'm progressing in some aspect.

more to come.
<3kelly

I'm back at school now.  My sophomore year here at CCS, though my third year away from home.  It's interesting how much my state of mind has developed within such a short period of time.  My confidence and ability to progress (despite whatever negativity) has probably tripled, and I am even surprising myself with the things I am accomplishing.

Classes have started up, and I'm looking forward to a new year of creating.  I posted up some older things that I've been meaning to post.

I miss everyone, and I will try to come back here more often.

<3kelly

Been wanting to take more photographs, but I don't know where to start.  Who to go to.

There are many things I must do this summer.  Earn enough money to feed myself next year-- get my license.  Emotionally detach.  

I'm uncertain as to where to begin.  What to do with my time.  I am treading circular paths in my carpet and sleeping far too much.

I need a temporary escape-- enlightenment.  Or maybe just a good time.

Home for spring break.  Trying to deal with business in equal measure to the emotional.  It's been a difficult and overwhelming semester, but I am hoping when summer comes, I will feel accomplished and ready... for whatever.  Looking forward to taking more pictures.

A single girl now-- trying to take on the world of business and the world of men.  Waiting for a rebel prince to shove me out of this comfort/stale state-of-being.

I submitted my assignments so far from my drawing course-- I have had little or no experience with drawing before CCS, so I am pleased with what I am turning out so far.

Boring boring-- I WANT TO SHOP!

fucking MAD house!

back to school, back to the grind.


anyone in detroit want to take me to see rufus wainwright in a few weeks?  wait... wait.  i don't have friends in this city.

*finger snap*

As terribly STRESSED OUT as I am over finals, I am excited to finally be making some artwork that I actually am proud to show people.

I am doing an online portfolio for my digital fundamentals class.

I am also making a gameboard that is a remake of Pretty Pretty Princess... called Wiggity Wiggity Wangsta.  Instead of collecting princess jewelry to get the crown, you collect pieces of "flava" such as bling, grillz, rap alias, etc... to get the record deal.  It's a ton of work and extremely expensive, but fun!  haha

Thennnn, for my design concepts class, I'm making a book-- homemade binding and everything with photographs and fabric covering it.  

And last but not least, for typography I will be making two 24x36 posters.

All due in 1.5 weeks!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

but then, christmas break bliss...

Won't it be nice when winter comes, and my break begins?

I might actually have time to make art for pleasure-- rather than stiff guide-lined pieces of crap.

I have the mind to start keeping a photograph portfolio and scrapbook.  There are so many things I want to do for the simple reason that I would enjoy it.


I have ideas, but never time to execute.


Art school will suck you dry.


I could be a great star-- but I'm far from happy.

Some new work has been posted, at last!  There are about 6 more shots from the shoot that I want to brighten and edit a little.  I don't know if they are worth posting, but we'll see.  Just for fun-- inspired by my recent love of America's Next Top Model, Sex in the City, etc. etc.  

I have another shoot in mind with Rachel and Lauren... inspired by a horror movie.  

I've missed making art.  Whether or not it's good, and no matter how much I trash my house in the process, it's still fun.

My hair is all gone.  I need a new deviant ID.

If I was 16 and lived in France and was an artist genius... things would be different.

But I'm almost 19, and I am below-average.  And I am going to have to work my ass off and start to care about things soon or else...

I just got back from a funeral, and I am cutting all of my hair off tomorrow.  I hope I look like a pixie, and I also hope stupid people yell "Dyke!" at me.  



I smell something interesting on the horizon.

I just started my new job, and I'm going to be working ridiculous amounts.  Nevertheless, I have some exciting plans for some shoots I want to do.  

Unfortunately, my camera battery charger is MIA.  So until I get paid, little is going to get accomplished.  I'm also thinking about investing in a cheap tripod/camera remote.

In the meantime, I'm going to work on making more graphic work-- a lot of people responded positively to my band art.

Also-- I decided to major in GD and minor in photography in the fall.  Should be good times.

lovelove
me

So I did a shoot last night.  It was very simple-- little makeup.  little prep.  Some poorly planned lighting.  The only pictures I ended up really liking were the portraits.  So I have a folder of about 10 portraits now.  

I also had an extremely hard time doing a lot of editing to them, and this worries me.  I hate turning a good photograph into fake-looking art.  

And I'm studying to be a graphic designer?  This could pose a problem.


Anyway-- I think I'll post a few.
Prepare to experience the many faces of Kelly.  More or less.

So I'm home.  till october.


*looks around*


hm.

A change in the winds is blowing me off course, for now.

I am leaving Ohio University and returning home as I wait to find out where I will finish my education.  I have changed my major from publications design to graphic design, and my hopes are set on the College for Creative Studies in Detroit.  We'll see.

I deleted many of my old deviations.  I think it is time for some fresh stuff in here.  It's only fitting after all, when my entire life is changing.

Portfolio due March 1st.

Art college.


Gulp.

It's days like these that take away what's left of me.


Waiting for winter.  January 2nd.



Cookies and Gatorade.
Digital Rebel and Pea Coat Mania.



I smell like musty Goodwill.

I'm at college, and I am an art student.  I'm here amongst football players and cheerleaders, and I can't find anyone to identify with.  I'm much too scared to take pictures of randoms, and I don't have access to a model... I'm pretty much going with what I have: nothing.

I'm getting a digital rebel within the next few months.  

I'm lonely, but I'm happy.  I think.

I miss my boyfriend, and I miss feeling like I had talent.  I don't really.  Second rate.

Fuck you.

I just want it to be fun.